u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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