so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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