it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
