I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize