It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
