They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
