I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
so much tequila, so little girl.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
