you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
