20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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