and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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