About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
