i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
sex in a hospital.. check
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
