your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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