had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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