overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Blood and glitter go together right?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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