I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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