I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
