I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
