i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
why do cheetos always look like penises
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize