Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
