I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
