My room smells like vodka and shame
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
