ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize