i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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