but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
