so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
