I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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