LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You dont lie about slip and slides
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
