i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
