Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
