i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
