nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
