I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I checked into jail on foursquare
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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