Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize