im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
