Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
