never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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