He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
