Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
