I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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