Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
