no, he came in my armpit
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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