What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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