its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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