Only a mothe r could love this liver
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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