I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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