My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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