How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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