You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
