He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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