so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize