Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
