we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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