What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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