seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
