I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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