I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
